4.27.2009

Valuable Lessons....


this one's for the kids...


4.23.2009

Always Twirl...

Always... and I repeat... ALWAYS do one FULL twirl in the mirror before you leave the house...


hey, at least she made people smile throughout the day!

4.21.2009

I'm Doing... Okay...

So... lots of people have been asking me "how are you doing?" "how are you handling things?" "insert concerning question here?"

I'm doing... okay... Here's the thing: I've realized in the last 1 week and 3 days that the ONLY thing I can do is trust God. Never in my life have I EVER had to trust God and know that His plan is best. Sometimes life "deals you a hand" (as MckMama calls it in her posts about Stellan) and you have NO choice but to put one foot in front of the other and pray that you can make it through the next couple of steps. Some days I wish it was 6 months from now, and hopefully we would have conceived another child. Some days I wish it was 6 months before now, and we were thinking about "trying" and none of this had ever happened. But that isn't reality. I am here... now... right now.

Life does go on... but yes, I lost my child. I am grieving. In my own special way. The first couple of days I doubted myself and my "grieving style." The first couple of days I felt that I was "too calm", "not upset enough", "apathetic." Then, my hubby convincingly reminded me that not everyone grieves in the same way, it doesn't mean that I don't love my child ANY less than someone who is so grief stricken they cant get out of the bed in the morning.

.....Then we hit the week mark. At one week, I could no longer say, "last week, I was still pregnant." The shock was gone... I was no longer "recovering" (physically) from surgery... we were supposed to be back to "regular life." Yes, I had cried, (mainly at sentimental situations) but not like Saturday. Saturday was "my day." And it came at the most random time, following the most random irritating situation that "sparked" my breakdown (if that's what you wanna call it). And honestly... I feel better. I needed that.

And that day, "my day", I got three things in the mail.
Two cards, and this... which I was waiting on.

I told myself, and a few people, that I was not going to go buy a bunch of memorial things, etc. I was going to make the frame and that would be it. Then, I found this... here. This particular charm is pretty much "actual size" of my little one. It is simple. Beautiful. I love it.

So I guess this was another post "for me"... or maybe it was for you. Maybe you wanted an update. Or maybe you've been through this just like me.

Whatever reason you read this post, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for your support, your thoughts, and your prayers.

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On a COMPLETELY different note, Stellan had his surgery today (if you follow MckMama). Click Here for the detailed update (in medically "Einstein-ish" fashion) on his surgery...

Happy Birthday...


Our little "animal baby" turned ONE YEAR OLD on Sunday! Between church and the hubby going to the Carolina Hurricane's game that day, we didn't do anything special but a trip to PetCo for treats! But she LOVES going there, so it was a good day!




























birthday bone!




Zoo Trip


Saturday, April 18th, we went to the NC Zoo in Asheboro, NC.
The hubby gets free tickets to the zoo because of Malt-O-Meal's contribution of oats for the animals at the park. Hubby, My Mom, My Dad, Hubby's Aunt Linda, Kayleigh (the girl i keep), Carlie and Olivia (friends of the family's daughters), and myself went on possibly the most crowded day at the zoo EVER! They had over 10,000 people before lunch time on Saturday. The combination of 3 little girls, 3 crazy picture takers, and a "bajillion" people made this an ALL DAY escapade. And when I say "all day" that is NO exaggeration... over 7 hours. We had a blast though! I don't think I'll be heading back on a Saturday any time soon though!

Here are some pics!




















As you can tell, we had a GREAT time!!!!

Note: Font in ORANGE in honor of Stellan as he has heart surgery in Boston today.

4.15.2009

today.... (well technically yesterday)

Today was a rough day... obviously I'm through it because it's actually one hour into the NEXT day... but, God won't give me anything I cant handle... I know that... so here we are...

I spent today:
~finishing up my pregnancy journal
~making the collage
~reading message boards
~looking up poems on miscarriage/infant loss (I love poetry.)

Today has been an empty day...
It's been a different/wierd/unexplainable process being pregnant, "falling asleep", "waking up", and not being pregnant... then leaving the hospital and having to go on with my life and nothing to show for it... baby wise anyways...

I got my first "oh I hear you guys are going to have a baby, congrats!" comment today...

I didn't struggle with putting the news out there (while I didn't want to by any means), and I haven't struggled reading the condolences (though I wish people didn't have to write them).... but there's something about getting a congratulations "after the fact"... there's just something about it. Your heart just drops... the "lump" in your throat that you thought had gone away for the past couple of hours rushes back to the top and tears begin to flow. It's not something that you get mad at by ANY means... how would they know? they were just being nice... there's just something about it.
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Okay are you ready... SOAP BOX....

If I hear one more: "It's okay sweetie, you're young, you can have more." I think I might just scream! (though I really wouldn't because I'm just not that kind of person... ) You know, I know I WILL have more! I have absolutely NO doubt in my mind I will have more. I've had no thoughts of "I'll never have kids, nothing but miscarriages are my future." No... I haven't thought that at all. I will have a child... in GOD'S time!

BUT... it still doesn't change the fact that I just lost THIS child.
I still need to grieve for THIS child.
I didn't get to hold THIS child.
I didn't get to kiss THIS child.
I didn't get to watch THIS child grow up.
THIS child.


You wouldn't tell a mother that just lost her teenager, "It's okay, you have four other children." Would you???? Just a thought...
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Okay. Enough of that!
On the complete other hand... People have been AMAZING. I have never gotten so many words of encouragement, so many phone numbers of people who are there for me just if I just "want to talk." I've never realized how many people I know that have been in the same position I am. My friends and family have been absolutely amazing...
We are so blessed.

Kayleigh is coming back on Thursday. I'm really happy for her to come back. I need a busy, funny, happy, silly, amazing little girl running around my house... She makes me smile... really she does.

Our flowers we planted have started sprouting little buds in the past day or so.
It just reminds me... life DOES go on... and it's still absolutely beautiful.

4.14.2009

still blessed none the less...


hopefully all of this shows up big enough for you to see it...
(a framed collage i made)

4.12.2009

My Little One...

Just so you know... the story's kinda detailed... stop now if you don't want to know them... :)




This story isn't necessarily written for you... it's for me... for some people this helps. I am one of those people.



I'll have no problem if you click away...


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On Friday, the Hubby and I were both off of work, well, Kayleigh was at the beach and he got the choice between Friday and Monday... but I digress... I needed to exchange a shirt at the store Motherhood, so we went to the mall (hubby hates the mall, poor thing). I went to the restroom and noticed some spotting...



my.... heart.... dropped.... that's the ONLY way I can describe it... it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I didn't want to sit there in the restroom and think "well, here we go... I'm losing it..." I knew that there could be MANY other things this could mean, but obviously I was worried...



I had some cramping but passed it off to the "uterus stretching" kind of cramps, but I've never been preggers, so I didn't know what these things would feel like. I confided in some friends and asked their experiences with spotting and cramping, most of them sounded similar to mine, so I went along with my day.



We had a Good Friday service at church that night, I told the pastor and my parents about the current situation, but no one else... no need to worry when it wasn't needed... mainly to keep myself from worrying too! After church, I started cramping worse and the hubby and I made the decision to call the "doctor on call" from my OBGYN that night. She said it sounded okay at the moment, but if either of the symptoms got any worse, I needed to go to Women's Hospital and they would check me out. Around 8:40 am on Saturday morning, I woke up and everything was worse. [details omitted here] We were to the hospital by 9:00 am and our day began.



After multiple exams by nurses and the doctor, a shot in the... ahem... of RhoGAM because I am Rh- and the hubby is B+, we finally had an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech couldn't tell or show us anything on the ultrasound (though she did give us a picture, still can't figure out why) and we had to wait for the nurse to come in and tell us the results. There was no heartbeat. It was a completely different experience than I thought it would be. Like most "first time pregnancy mommies" I had thought about a possible miscarriage... how would I react? how would I tell people? what would it feel like?



In reality... I kind of knew... I was calm, no tears were shed (at the beginning). I was given my options (stay home, take medicine, have surgery) and I told people... mama, daddy, in-laws, etc... Iwas okay... I decided... well WE decided that surgery would be the option for me...



I had to wait on a C-Section to be done, so an hour and a half was in the future to just wait... The nurse (who was amazing) came in and gave my mom and I a packet (hubby was with my dad at the time). We assumed it was paperwork, but the nurse brought out a little heart pillow. It is called the teardrop pin... I lost it.




Back to the surgery... I did well, no complications, anesthesia made me really nauseous, but other than that I have been relatively pain-free... physically anyways...

A d/c is one of those surgeries that requires two types of recovery: mental and physical.


Completely against doctor's orders (but completely happy i broke them, no regrets) I went to Easter service this morning at church (cute spring-like dress and all) and went to 2 family get-togethers (which i had an amazing time at because i have the best family(ies) in the world)...

Right now, I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically, but all in all doing quite well.


So there you go... the story.


It's like i told someone today at church...
things happen, sometimes they suck....
sometimes you don't understand...
sometimes you ask why...
but sometimes you have to make the best of things... no matter the situation.


By no means does that mean I'm not grieving...
By no means does that mean I'm not devastated...
By no means does that mean my heart is not in a million pieces...
By no means have a not shed many-a-tears since yesterday...
and by no means does it mean I won't shed more...







We'll miss you little one... lima bean, blueberry, sweet pea, pea pod...

4.11.2009

Wordless Saturday... ?

we lost the baby today... more details later when i can sit up long enough to type it...
thanks in advance for the prayers... :)

4.08.2009

And now presenting...

we had our first ultrasound yesterday... the baby is measuring smaller than they thought so they have changed the due date from November 20th to December 1st...


Here's a couple of pictures my dad "fixed" up so you can see the baby a little clearer... oh, the technology...