10.12.2013

Blueberry.

This is a really random post... especially for someone who never blogs anymore, but here it goes.

The Heartstrings Walk for Remembrance and Hope was today.  This is something that I've been to 2-3 times before.  This walk is to remember those babies who have passed on, whether during pregnancy or shortly after birth.

The first time I attended, I went for Hudson Graham Ray, the son of Lisa, a friend from college and classmate of my husband in high school.  Hudson was the first time I had ever experienced the death of a child, an infant no less.  This rocked me to the core.  I have never been the same.  I realize now that no pregnancy is fool proof, every life is sacred.  You never know what is going on in a child's body and you hope and pray that all is well, but sometime's it isn't.  Hudson passed away the night he came home from the hospital from a heart condition that was not previously diagnosed.

The second time and third time I attended was for Emma Grace and Joshua Ryan McKinney, the daughter and son of Amy and Ryan McKinney.  We went to church with this couple and were very involved in their lives during Amy's pregnancy and after the twins passed away.  The twins were carried a little over half way through the pregnancy, and passed away 10(?) days and 14(?) days after birth.  This was such a difficult time for every one involved, but especially (obviously) Amy and Ryan.  Amy and I became quite close during the months after their passing.

On April 11, 2009, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage.  My little one was 8 weeks old, the size of a blueberry.  (hence the title)

Fast forward to May 21st 2013.  Callie Hernandez, one of my childhood friends, delivered Chatelle Mae, her full term beautiful baby girl, who passed away in the womb a couple of days prior to delivery.  I took photos for them shortly after birth.  This is one of the most challenging things I have had to do to date.  Callie's oldest son, Marcus, and my oldest, Nate, are a month of so apart and love to play together.  We have had many a "play dates" since May.  Callie and I have become very close in the past couple of months and she is one of the strongest women I know.  The pain she must feel, I can't imagine.

That brings me to the reason for this post.

When we were planning for this years Walk for Remembrance and Hope to honor the life of Chatelle Mae, we decided to have t-shirts made.  Callie approached me and said she would like to put my little one's name on the team shirt.  At first I declined and she insisted.  So, we planned it out.  Our little one was too young to determine a gender, so we never decided on a name.  We have always said our little Blueberry.  So, we decided "Baby Blueberry Downer" would be on the shirt.

Someone at the walk asked me why I didn't have Blueberry's name read aloud with all the others and I struggled with my answer... I don't feel worthy of that.  I can't compare myself to those who had perfectly healthy children to our knowledge, like Lisa and Callie, then to have their children snatched away, literally in their arms.  I can't compare myself to Amy who has lost, not one but TWO children within days... (and later another miscarriage)
Their pain is much greater than mine.

But is it?  If I really think about what I believe, I believe in life from conception.  My baby was just as much a baby as Hudson.  Just as much a baby as Emma, as Josh.  My baby was just as much a baby as Chatelle.  No matter what stage of life, it's still a life.
So.  If I'm backing up MY beliefs, what I profess as someone who is PRO-life, I should feel worthy as well.

And yet I don't.